Songs Good To Bone To...

Music to me is everything. Not a musician myself (Hot Cross Buns on the recorder and trying to impress a chick with a little Crash Into Me on the acoustic in my dorm hallway frosh year doesn’t quite equate to a career), I instead have taken great pride in my superior knowledge and outstanding collection to everything from Bruce to Public Enemy to Miles Davis to The Clash. I am also a master at the play list, a skill I most definitely picked up from my dad. The long car trips to Florida with my most dysfunctional family surely would have resulted in murder or at the very least emancipation were it not for brilliant transitions from Little Feat’s Dixie Chicken to Eric Clapton’s Bell Bottom Blues and eventually (usually with the accompaniment of rain drops and windshield wipers) Springsteen’s Point Blank. Even now, nearly 20 years later, the memories of those mix tapes are pretty much guaranteed to bring a smile to both my face, and my brother’s. So, that being said, the soundtrack to your life is something I take extremely seriously. Whether it’s dinner,working out or at the job, the perfect mix of background music is of utter importance. For example, though Metallica’s Seek and Destroy is perfect for the gym, it’s just not going to cut it while having osso bucco with your chick.

Undoubtedly, the time when song selection is the most important is when you’re getting the booty. This is why I will never get the night I made sweet love to the sounds of the local easy listening station out of my head. I remember it like yesterday, I walked into Marilu Henner’s apartment (to protect the guilty, I referring to her as the sexy star of TV’s Taxi) and it was almost perfect. I entered into total candlelight and when I called out, Marilu Henner appeared before me in nothing but a tiny top and sexy panties and she looked HOT. As I pulled her in close and went for the kill, I was filled with ecstasy, desire, and… the sounds of Billy Joel’s She’s Got A Way? Who would put that on for sexy time? As I kissed her and tore my own clothes off, I decided this was the wrong time to tell her that Your Song by Elton John cannot possibly sustain an erection. So I went for it and, despite the dreadful cries of Celine Dion, sex with Marilu was a hot, hot time. Post coitus, Ms. Henner asked if it was perfect and I said yes. Then I thought about it some more and I said ALMOST PERFECT. Cue record scratch. I tried to explain that everything SHE DID was wonderful but it was the soundtrack to the booty that was horrid. She tried to take my mind off it with a little round 2 and it ALMOST worked, if I hadn’t heard George Michael declaring, “I’m never gonna dance again…”; Kids, Wham! and weiner can never mix (unless of course you are a member of Wham!).

Marilu Henner, I will always love you, but as a service to you and those everywhere who are play list-challenged, below are some examples of…

SONGS GOOD TO BONE TO (AND SONGS NOT TO)!

Play This…

1. Voodoo (In it’s entirety) by D’Angelo

2. Anything by Sigur Ros- Sex with the aide of this Icelandic band is like skyrocketing into orbit (while doing it).

3. ALMOST anything by Erykah Badu

And Not…

1. One More Night by Phil Collins

2. Straight Outta Compton by N.W.A. Sex to hip hop in general is tricky, it’s best not to fool with anything edgy or political.

3. Any of the Lite FM bullshit I mentioned earlier.

Special Note: When putting on music to bone to, it’s best to avoid anything by your favorite artist. For example, I would never put on anything by Bruce. The reason being, I know I am douchey enough to stop mid-penetration to explain that, though I thoroughly enjoy the guitar solo on the 1999-2000 reunion tour rendition of “Prove It All Night,” it doesn’t even come close to the brilliance of the one on the ‘78 “Darkness” tour.