Thanksgiving (But Thanks For What?)

My first Thanksgiving memory is driving to my aunt and uncle's house out on Long Island, my parents, my young brother and myself all singing along to Alice's Restaurant, Arlo Guthrie's second greatest masterpiece (the first being the grossly underrated Byrd's of Paradise). I used to close my eyes and smile in anticipation, knowing I was just minutes away from a gluttonous feast as we heard those sweet words. You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant.

Fast forward a divorce and two remarriages and I've found that you can get anything you want there because obviously Alice didn't have a blended family. I just came from my dad's for Thanksgiving and I didn't get much of anything I wanted.

I wanted a nice intimate family dinner, instead we were 17 people packed in tight like a prison mess hall. There's so many goddamn people at this dinner that I'm 29 and I'm still at the kiddie table. This must be a record! At one point, I saw my reflection in some glass and I felt so hip. I saw this messed up on purpose coif, scruffy beard and loosened designer tie and for a second I thought maybe I was at a sophisticated Manhattan dinner party discussing art and literature (or anything else I saw from a Woody Allen movie). Instead, I looked up and realized I was stuck listening to my 16 year old step sister, who has nothing to say that I want to hear. She even went as far as to criticize the talents of Kurt Cobain, this coming from a girl who desecrated her furniture with a Katy Perry sticker. Why does she even have an opinion on this? I have flannel older than you, young lady.

I wanted endless amounts of leftovers to savior over the next couple of days. Turkey sandwiches and stuffing to go along with a late night Die Hard marathon. Instead, I got a drum stick and three grapefruits. There's some hard adjustments when you're in a divorced/blended family but if there's one thing I've never gotten used to is how terribly I get jipped on the leftovers. Every holiday now, I have to fight over leftover ham, turkey, calamari, it doesn't matter. I am the oldest child, grandson, nephew, however you want to look at it. I've put in the time with these people, I should bring home at least half a turkey and a vat of mashed potatoes.

So, if anyone knows how to get a hold of Alice let me know. Greggy needs some peace and stuffing.